Never been happier to hear the word benign.

Let's start with- sorry I've been "gone" for so long!  Both school and my health took precedence.

The easy part- the semester is almost over, so school is great and stressful at the same time!

The hard part- I've gone through a series of tests over the past couple months to acquire a baseline for my yearly tests.  I love lists so here's a fun one:

The tests I underwent in order:

 

                                   1.  MRI with contrast

                                   2.  Breast Ultrasound

                                   3.  Ultrasound guided biopsy with follow-up MRI

                                   4.  Mammogram

and next on the list.... drumroll please...

                                   5.  MRI guided biopsy

It doesn't seem like as many tests when I put them in that list.  Each test came with it's own fun story, so here goes:

My first test was a MRI with contrast.  I did not realize I was nervous until I had a vasovagal episode while the woman tried to put the IV into my arm.  My vasovagal episodes look like I am having a seizure and then I pass out.  I'll be honest, I have had three total episodes including this one, and this was my worst one.  I scared everyone at the imaging facility, and my mom- sorry Mom!  After I woke up, I begged to still have the MRI done even though I was weak and shaky.  They had called in a doctor and he "cleared" me to get the MRI as long as they could get the IV in without me passing out again.  Well, we switched arms, laid me down, and the doctor told me dirty jokes.  I belly laughed and the IV went in just fine.  Then came, surprisingly, the easy part.  The actual MRI was pretty easy.  They put me on my belly and my breasts were positioned in holes in the board.  (Not my preferred position.. Side sleeper problems!)  The machine started, and I won't lie, it was loud.  I was ready for that though and I was just trying to monitor my breathing because I was still shaky.  I was in the machine (unmoving) for a little over 30 minutes and the contrast was pumped in about halfway through.  Best part? I came out with some funky lines all over my face (think high school chemistry goggle marks, but worse!).

Results: We found stuff.  Come in for more tests.
My reaction: SUPER SAD FACE! I did my best not to cry, I did my best to say it was probably nothing.  But a hallmark commercial came on, or whatever, and I lost it more than once.

*****

Second test was a breast ultrasound.  It is exactly what it sounds like.  You've either seen a pregnant woman have one in person, or in a movie, or on a show, or you were the woman haha!  So think ultrasound, but on my breasts.  So, being the scientist I am, I watched the screen the whole time and asked about a million questions.  Shout out to my technician for rolling with it and answering everything she could.  The "nodules" that were seen on the MRI were found on the ultrasound and to me they look pebble-like.  So then the radiologist came in and she says, "We found it!  Let's schedule a biopsy."  Well that was not what I was expecting, and neither was my mom, but it finally clicked for me- Do the tests, as many as it takes, to be 100% positive I don't have cancer.

Results: I have a small nodule in my right breast, and two in my left breast.  Biopsy time.
My reaction:  Can we just get this over with please... I have homework to do...

*****

Third test was the ultrasound guided biopsy.  The techs use the ultrasound to find the nodule, then the radiologist shoves a hollow needle into my breast, followed by a smaller needle that then "harpoons" into the nodule twice and brings that back up for the test.  I had six biopsies done in my left breast, and three in my right.  I did not feel much, which surprised everyone in the room, but I have a high pain tolerance.  Although I sound valiant, I'll tell you what did hurt... my entire body the whole rest of the day.  I was just one big bruise.  When she did the biopsies, she left itty bitty tiny little pieces of demagnetized titanium in my breasts called clips.  I know a few people who have clips, you may as well.  These clips are used to identify the nodules in the future.  If they grow, if they shrink, if they move, etc.

Results:  ALL BENIGN! I REPEAT ALL BENIGN!!!!! I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!
My reaction:  Please reread the last line like 10 more times.

*****

Fourth test?!  Why are you having a fourth test if everything was benign?!  Because... the doctors think there was another something in my right breast that was not biopsied last time but showed up on the MRI.  So... another test was necessary.  Let's do this!  Mammogram... How do I feel about mammograms?  I was scared.  Then I had one... that was easy.  A spot compression on the other hand... I never want to have one of those again.  Never ever.  The mammogram was the traditional vice grip- horizontal, vertical, and diagonal.  The spot compression was also horizontal, vertical, and diagonal.  The spot compression is smaller plates doing the squeezing (think retainer case size and shape), and it squeezed twice as hard as the regular mammogram.

Results: Nothing.  The radiologist saw nothing.  Which was no surprise because I am young (which means I have dense breasts, which makes it harder for mammograms to find anything)
My reaction:  I figured... can we finish this so I can take my finals without stressing about this?

*****

Fifth test- MRI guided biopsy.  So this is scheduled for two days after my last final exam.  I'll cross that bridge later.. I need to focus on school for the next 25 days.

Results- to follow
My reaction (as of today): I am optimistic.  I think it is nothing.  But I'm not going to jinx it by saying I'm 100% cancer free yet.

So, I now know all the ladies' names at the imaging place and I've had almost every test done I could have had done.  And I'm pretty sure I'm cancer free.

One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.

Great Weekends make for Great Weeks

     On Thursday, I went to my genetic counseling meeting. Well.... My meeting/appointment was and was not what I expected.

Expectations:

I expected to meet all the doctors. 

I expected to get a plan. 

I expected to feel overwhelmed. 

 

Reality:

I met a genetic counselor and one doctor (who were both super informative and exceptionally nice) but I will not be seeing either very much. 

I was given guidance, but not a definite plan. 

I do not feel overwhelmed, even though none of the responsibility was taken off my shoulders.

     We discussed my family.  I was a little sad talking about Grandma, and a little when we told them about my dad's cancer and his upcoming radiation.  We moved into where I am in life and the research I had done prior to our meeting.  The basics- 25, married, in law school, type A personality.  No one was surprised by that last one!

     Then, we got to the big stuff.  There are preventative measures.  For the breast cancer bit, my best option would be to have both of my breasts removed.  For me, this just is not an option right now.  My husband and I are planning on having children and I would like to at least try to breast feed.  Another option would be tamoxifen (which is referred in terms of chemo and made us flinch a little) and some studies show that the oral medication can reduce my chances by 50%.  Again, this one will not work right now because we want kids.  So, what do I do?!  What do I do to reduce my risk of breast cancer?
     For the ovarian cancer bit, my best option would be to have my ovaries and uterus removed.  Not going to work... How do you make a baby without those?  We learned a big thing here- tamoxifen will not help reduce my risk for ovarian cancer.  My mom and I were both surprised by that news, because the research we had gone through had not discussed this snag.  Ovarian cancer is the scarier of the two risks because there are fewer options to reduce my risk.  So, what do I do?!

     Here's the things I'm going to do no matter what:

1. Get two clinical breast exams every year.  This is more than your normal OBGYN breast exam.
2. Get one MRI every year.  It is not a full body scan, but I do not have the full information on it yet.
3. When I turn 30, I will start getting a mammogram every year.
4. When I turn 30, I may start getting ultrasounds.

     So, the doctors do not want to expose me to too much radiation too soon, that's why the last two are after 30.  So there are drawbacks to all the tests, but they have their obvious benefits.  The breast exams are good, especially if the same person does them because they know what to expect from your breasts specifically.  Same with the MRI and mammogram and ultrasounds, but with the machine.  So doctors want a patient to use the same machine for every MRI, mammogram, and ultrasound because it is less likely to have false positives related to the machine.  MRI's have less radiation, while mammograms have a little more, but they said no more than standing too close to the microwave. (I now stand like four more steps back from the microwave!)
     So, in my research I kept reading that if you have dense breasts, mammograms are less effective.  So I ask the counselor- How do I know if I have dense breasts?  Both her and the doctor look at me, smile, and say- "You're young.  You have dense breasts."  Well that makes a lot of sense, but no where did I read it in my research.  So then my mom asks a valid question- What do we do if we see something on the scan?  It had not even crossed my mind! (I might be optimistic to a fault)
     We go down that rabbit hole.  If they see something on the MRI, we might then schedule a mammogram (even before 30 if that's the case), because the mammogram may be able to distinguish between a tumor and a calcification.  We talked about biopsies and kind of stopped there.  Obviously I need to know what to do if we find something, but right now I am not ready.  Hopefully I won't have to be ready for awhile, if at all.
     The elephant in the room- kids.  When should I have them?  How many should I have?  How much does each child help prevent cancer?  Give me a plan ladies!  No such luck... This is the part that was hard for me because I wanted definite answers and I got guidance.  I understand why I only got guidance, but that does not mean I wasn't upset.

The questions I asked:
1. A study said if I have five kids it will cut my risk in half for both breast and ovarian cancer, true?
    Answer- Not necessarily.  There is no way of knowing this is true.  Other factors were involved.
2. A study said if I get pregnant it will push cancer back for a year, true?
    Answer- Not necessarily.  Pregnancy helps, and breast feeding for a year helps, but no definites.
3. A study said the earlier I have children the more I decrease my risks, true?
    Answer- True- but! from one year to the next it is not a big enough difference to rush anything.
4. A study said I shouldn't have children after 35 because it increases my risks, true?
    Answer- Kind of true.  35 is an age when a woman's body can start changing, so maybe?
5. Should I have a kid tomorrow? Can I wait two years? (Yes I asked this.  Everyone blushed.)
    Answer- That is up to your family.  Having a baby at 26 is better than 28, but not by much.

     Being 25, I will be the first to admit, my biological clock is ticking.  It started ticking louder when I got married.  Louder still when I turned 25.  And the loudest when I got my positive test in December.  But... I'm in law school.  I finished my first semester and am slowly but surely getting through the second semester.  So, my husband and I have to assess our life and figure out what we want to do.  (Monday was have a kid, Tuesday was no way!, Wednesday was I don't get enough sleep as it is right now!, Thursday was other people have done it, we can do it!, Friday was what's best for me and my body?, Saturday was should my health be the only factor?, Today is a I don't want that crying kid I saw at the mall, but I would take the adorable princess that smiled at me at Dick's.)

     It was a lot on Thursday.  So, what did I do all weekend?  Anything but think about the appointment.  Friday was my brother's hockey game, my brother-in-law's basketball game, and bowling with two BILs, one of their girlfriends, and my husband.  Saturday was helping a friend move, church, my BIL's basketball game, dinner at the in-laws, and a Mario Cart night.  Today was clean the house, do the laundry, and go shopping.  I found two beautiful dresses, a fabulous pair of shades, earrings to go with one of the dresses, and an anchor necklace.  I'm partial to anchors.

     After such a fun packed weekend, I feel charged for a good week.  So, I have a lot going through my mind, but I'm still sunny and optimistic.  Thanks for reading, this one was hard :)

 

 

Life's roughest storms prove the strength of our anchors.

February means Go Time!

     I have been more nervous than I would care to admit.  February means the first of many doctors appointments.  I don't know why, but it feels more real having an appointment.
     So my appointment was supposed to be Thursday (yesterday) but the snow had different things in mind.  I will have to wait another week... Deep breath!  So, today marked a turning point for my state of mind.
     I have to focus on what I can do, and not what I do not know.  With that being said my thoughts began to race on all the things I want to do, and can do around my house.

The To Do List:

• Powder Room
• Laundry Closet
• Dining Room
• Kitchen "Junk" Drawer
• Kitchen Pantry

There are many other things I want to do around the house but I would be happy if I could work on these 5 projects this year.

Powder room:

You can tell... Really boring, total blank slate. 

Which means I can do anything I want!!

My design aesthetic is nautical without being beachy.  The house has three main colors: Navy, Cranberry, and Khaki.  Obvious white accents are necessary and perfect for that nautical pop.  So what do I want to do with such a blank slate?  Where do I go when I need ideas?  Pinterest!

I know, I know, I don't want to go beachy, and this picture is an overly beachy themed powder room, but I love the idea behind it!  Keep the khaki, change the light blue to both a cranberry and navy stripes.  The pictures will have to be something more like anchors, ships wheels, and lighthouses.  I'll cross that bridge when I get there.


Laundry Closet:

 

I said I would be honest in this blog, so I didn't even clean up my laundry closet before I look this picture.  This is how it is all day, every day.  Am I a little embarrassed by how messy it is, of course!  That's why it needs to change!  Back to Pinterest for ideas....

 

Just let this one soak in for a minute.  It is so gorgeous.  I cannot wait to put that navy on the wall to help make the cabinets and appliances pop.  I am probably most excited about this project.

Dining Room:

As you can tell, another blank slate.  We have a few great pieces of furniture that my husband and I love.  He picked out the mirror (it wasn't part of the original set, but it matches PERFECTLY!).  You can also see how much stuff I have piled up on the table, in every crevice of the credenza, and even on top of it!  I need to organize and get a little more storage.

 This wall is currently empty.

That is not how I want it!  I want a plate wall.  I haven't found a plate wall I like enough on Pinterest to include, but here are the plates that I have so far:

And here is the Pinterest inspiration picture:

Kitchen "Junk" Drawer:

This drawer was worse.  Imagine that.  Worse than this!

We all have, or have had, a drawer like this.  Enough so that this woman made a wonderful Pinterest post that thousands of people have repinned.

Her picture:

 I've got my work cut out for me.

Kitchen Pantry:

 

What a mess.  I can't even look at this picture without flinching.  I have organized this pantry so many times but nothing I do keeps it organized for long.  So I looked to the experts... once again, Pinterest.  I know the ladies at least have seen a ton of posts about organizing your kitchen and so the pantry has been a big one.  I'm an engineer, I need more efficiency in my life!  I am a disgrace with this pantry as messy as it is.

 

 

 

 

 

Beautiful, I know.  I am going to contradict myself.  This is the project I am most looking forward to finishing.  I am nervous about doing this one because I am worried about doing anything to the door.  I'm a big fan of those command strip things, so I will be looking at their website in an attempt to find some shortcuts using them.

 

     Well, for not posting in over a month, I hope this post more than made up for it.  I'm excited to work on my house, although it is a slow process.  I will have another post next week after my appointment.  Promise.  Please check out my Pinterest account (that at least is well organized!).  The link to it is that little orange P at the top of my page.  I have pinned most of my pins with good connections, so please look at all these wonderful people and their pages.

 

 

Don't make change too complicated, just live it.

Mystery on a Train

          Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week I have a class in the DC area and get to have fun on the MARC train and the Metro.  I know most people have ridden the trains, and a fair number of people write about their experiences everyday.
          Wednesday morning... Start the car.  Drive to the MARC station.  Park the car (for free!).  Walk up to the station.  Stare at the ticket machine for five minutes, look around helplessly, and a lovely woman saw my face.  "The machine is broken, honey.  It is too cold for that thing to work.  You can buy a ticket on the train, they won't charge you more."  Huge sigh of relief and a hike up the steps.  I feel like I have bonded with this woman so I stand near her on the platform and we chat a little about the weather.  No one else on the platform speaks.
          A little light down the track becomes a roaring silver train and it is as if everyone has been replaced with ants.  Everyone is scurrying, running, getting close to one another in an attempt to be aligned with the doors of the train.  I was not in prime form that early in the morning (just about 5:45 AM) and stayed back a little to watch everyone hurry onto the MARC.  Getting on, I sat in a comfortable seat and settled in for a little ride.
          A sleepy, under-caffeinated silence took over the whole train and I was content to people watch while I could.  As we approached DC, the train slowly filled but the quiet nature remained.  I switched from the MARC to the Metro at the beginning of the orange line, and settled in for a forty minute ride.  Two young girls got on my car at the next stop and I smiled my normal smile and the younger of the two sat next to me, while her sister (or friend? I'm assuming sister) sat in the seat catty-corner of her.  We rode together in a mutual appreciation that neither was taking up a ton of space, coughing, or smelling weird. 
          After three stops went by and the girls were still riding with me, I had to ask, "Are you going to school?" 
          In almost a whisper, "Yes." 
          My need to know overpowered my sense of privacy, "Is it a private school?"
          "Yes." Her mother taught her not to talk to strangers without being rude. High five to her mom.
          "Do you have a long ride?"  I really could not wrap my head around how long their "commute" was to school!
          "We're getting off at Rhode Island Ave.  It isn't too bad," as if she read my mind.
          I left it at that and did not say another word until she stood to change to the red line, "Have a good day at school!"  I couldn't help myself.
          A little wave and my new friend and her sister were gone.  Twenty more minutes.  A man got on the train, went directly to the door on the other side of the train, and stood still.  He rode this way through the next stop, and just when I thought he was losing it, the next stop opens on his side and he walks right out.  He was a pro.  A pro-metro rider.  He was not alone.  So many men, women, boys, girls, everyone was a pro.  I was the only newbie that early in the morning.
          I went to my class.  It was wonderful.  We can leave it at that.
          I did not get to leave until after 6 PM and I knew it was going to be tough to catch my MARC train but I did not have any other options.  I ride the Metro to the connecting station and the whole way my stomach is in knots and I am feeling like I might lose my lunch.  Does everyone that rides a train get this way when life gets in the way and makes them a few minutes late?!  I get to the station and I missed the last train by 5 minutes, and the next train was not coming for another 50 minutes.  It is already after 7 PM at this point.  I'm hysterical... I won't sugar coat it.  I was crying, in public, with my head not on straight from lack of sleep and self-inflicted stress.
          What did I do?  What would you do?  Call mom? (Been there, did that)
          I may or may not have gotten on a train I was not allowed to be on.  I may or may not have called my husband and begged him to come pick me up from a different station than where my car was.  Well, without admitting to breaking any rules... I made it home.  I was a mess.  I hate breaking rules.  For goodness sakes, I am the most goody-two shoes person you'll ever meet.  I'm going to school to become a lawyer, not because I break the law often and need to be ready, but because I want to be someone who can help support the law.  So after beating myself up, and a little dinner, I promptly fell asleep in five minutes.
          I turned around and did it all over again this morning.  The silence was the same, until I got to the Metro.  A woman was speaking on her cellphone, and by speaking, it may have been closer to yelling.  I sat in front of her, tried to give her some privacy and attempted to not listen to her whole conversation.  You will never guess what surprised me the most.  She never lost service!  How did she do that?! I lose service the second we go underground on that Metro.  I get it back a little at every station, but this woman never lost it!
          Some of you may have thought I was going to go on a rant how you're not supposed to use cellphones on the Metro, but that would have been silly and pointless.  I do not know that woman's story.  The conversation did seem pretty trivial, but even some of my trivial conversations are important to get my mind off normal life stresses.  Who cares that she talked the whole ride?  Who cares that she was really loud in a world of silence?  I do not.  My Wednesday was terrible.  Maybe this woman's Thursday was terrible.
          It is not our place to judge our fellow occupants of this earth.  These past two days have opened my eyes to the realization that I am only one person in a busy world of billions.  Many of us, myself included, get wrapped up in our own everything and not think about everyone else.
          A man got on the train tonight with a bundle of flowers.  I immediately thought it was his anniversary with his wife and he was so sweet to bring home flowers! (It just as possibly could have been that he forgot their anniversary and those were "I'm sorry" flowers.  But I'm a glass half full type)  On my train this morning a woman came up to a man, said something in Spanish to him (in a neutral tone), he nodded, and she got off at the next stop without another word.  A few stops later the same man spoke to the woman next to him, again in Spanish, and then got of the train.  She got off a few stops later.  My mind soared in a million directions with the possibilities what this episode of Metro of Our Lives could mean.  Were they husband/wife and father/daughter?  They could have been, but there was not enough emotion between any of them.  Were they older sister/middle brother/younger sister?  Again, not enough emotion.  Were they all just more drawn to each other because they were Hispanic or Spanish, I plead ignorance as to which.  I feel more drawn to young woman around my age that smile as easily at me, as I do at them.  Maybe that was the extent of their connection.
          I do not know, and I will not attempt to guess, the truth about this trio, or my mystery flower buyer, or the cellphone woman.  All I can know fully is me.  All I can understand fully is me.  I will be patient.  I will be understanding and kind.  I will continue to hope the best of everyone.

Happiness starts with you.  Start today.

Blog Revamp!

          HUGE shout out and thank you to one of my closest friends, Shannon, for helping me "clean-up" and tighten my blog!  I never could have done it without you!  It was like watching a magician.  I may have been watching every step she took, but I am positive I would not be able to reproduce anything she did.

          Today I had to run to my grandmother's church to donate some of her books, and then Shannon and I enjoyed some window shopping, followed by blog fixing.  We may or may not have gone into an adorable children's store, and we may or may not have said "Oh my gosh!" and "Awww!" way too many times.

          Shannon and I have been friends since 2nd grade.  We haven't been as involved in each others' lives as much as we may have wanted, but we have remained close through the years.  Lately, Shannon and I have been going shopping and seeing each other more than we had been.  Shannon has a beautiful blog- http://www.sincerelyshannon.com/  Her blog actually made me want to blog, and after a poor first attempt, I knew I needed her help.

          Her mom has a blog too- http://www.fromthissideofthepond.com/ and she took this picture of Shannon (and her sister) and me at my wedding.

 

 

 

It has been said that everlasting friends go long periods of time without speaking and never question the friendship.  These friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live, and they don't hold grudges. 

They understand life is busy and love is there.

 

          Most of my friends are these everlasting kind of friends!  One of my friends, Katie, came up from Texas for the holidays and we were fortunate enough to see each other on New Years Eve.  We had not seen each other since my wedding but it was as if it was yesterday!  So even though I do not get to see my friends as often as I might like because of our distances and busy lives.. I am lucky enough to have wonderful everlasting kind of friendships.

 

 

Proper friendships have no limits.

Christmas Is About Family

  Christmas is about family- your ancestors, your descendants, and your right now family.  

  I have been thinking a lot about my ancestors lately and how far back this gene goes.  I do not know if it came from my great grandmother or great grandfather.. Both died from other causes and my great grandmother had enough children to probably negate her increased chances if she had the gene.

  There are multiple studies that show that having multiple (full term) pregnancies helps lower a woman's chances of breast and ovarian cancer.  One study said something about if a woman had 5 children she could cut her chance in half!  ( my first thought is 5 college tuitions!)  Other studies focus on having children when you're still "a young woman" and the studies focus on having a child before you're 20!  Well I'm older than 20, but I would still consider myself a young woman!

  I have not had a meeting with a genetic counselor yet, so my thoughts are still just my own and not medically guided.  Every day I think about having a child.  Every day I worry about having a child.  Should I fit a baby into my plans sooner rather than later for my health?  Can I wait until I graduate law school to have kids, or is that too late?  How old is too old to have a child?  Until I meet with a counselor, I will continue thinking about it non-stop.

  The nurse who gave me my results said, "I know you will worry about passing this gene on to your children."  Well, sorry lady, you do not know me.  I do not want to pass this gene on to my children but there is nothing I will be able to do to prevent it.  My father was more prepared than my grandmother, and I am even more prepared than him.  My children will have a mother that was vigilant her whole life and will help them do the same if necessary.

  So much to think about!  Well, be thankful for your family, especially today and tomorrow,  no matter how ridiculous, embarrassing, silly, annoying, or overwhelming they can be.  Be grateful for the time you got to spend with those who have passed.  Learn what you can from your grandparents or aunts or uncles, even if it is "crazy aunt whoever" or "senile grandma".. There are family traditions and memories they have to share, so listen closely.

Merry Christmas! 

There's no place like home. 

Update #1

BRCA update- I have made 2 appointments with 2 separate hospitals for genetic counseling.  I'm going to compare a couple things..

A.) the doctors- are they knowledgable? Are they nice enough without being so gentle that they won't tell me the truth? Do they understand my personal situation or am I going to be forced into a cookie cutter program?

B.) the number of additional doctors on the team- I think I will get a medical oncologist, a gynecological oncologist, probably a technician for mammograms, a scheduler, and the genetic counselor.  What else do I need? Who else would be truly helpful? Are these other doctors readily available or am I just going to see technicians every visit?

C.) the plan- I don't know when to start my scans, I don't know how often each group will suggest, I don't know if they're going to look at family history/my body type/my life plan to try to configure a plan

D.) the numbers- I only have the numbers I've found on the internet, and the brochure that came with the positive test results... I need updated numbers, how on top of these newer medical issues are these groups? I want honesty, not sugar-coated candy sticks!

So, I will go to both appointments, see how I like both through the above criteria, and hopefully find a lifetime doctor group.

(I did not include additional staff as part of my factors because both women that I spoke with were amazing!  Both were gentle but knowledgable, understanding of my urgency and had all the right answers to my questions.)

Update on my working out- I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I love when I'm done, I hate getting out of bed to workout when it is this cold! With that said.. Pinterest saved my life though!  I found a handful of 10 minute workouts by a trainer used by some of the Victoria Secret models by PopSugar.  I did the bikini prep one yesterday and got my butt kicked real quick hahaha ten minutes to be exact!

I'll keep y'all posted!

The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.